best o', pt. 2

(with apologies)

I Hear America Cursing

I hear America cursing, the varied expletives I hear,
Those of mechanics, each muttering his, as they might as well, blithe with strong words
The carpenter screaming his as he measures a plank then cuts off a thumb,
The mason swearing as he looks for work, or is laid off from work again,
The boatman cussing at what belonged to him in his boat, the deckhand singing
as he stole it,
The shoemaker while sweating as she sits on the floor twelve hours, the hatter when farting as he stands,

The wood-stroker’s song, the butt-ploughing-boy's on his way home again in the morning,
or at a nooner, during an intermission, or after a touchdown,
The delicious moaning of a MILF, or of the young wife doin' it,
or of some girl fingering then washing herself clean,
Each cursing what belongs to him or her and what does not, even what belongs to no one else,
The very day what belongs to the day — at night the party of young frat boys,
loud, obnoxious,
Slurring with big fat mouths, our strongly odious #@$!.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I kinda wish I would stop thinking of things like this.


*

The Legend of the Haunted Room
as performed by "Ask me, I can help: Jim", sales associate

[/satanial-spooky voice on]

Attention Dallas and Company Shoppers:

I am so pleased to announce that, in five minutes, we'll be opening our Haunted Room… or shall I say, our Haunted Room will be opening itself. Perhaps this sounds odd to you, but if you'll give me but a moment of your attention I can explain, by telling you of... The Legend of the Haunted Room.

Few alive today know the fact, but this store was built on an ancient Indian burial ground and was the site of many strange problems in its early years – unexplained disappearances of customers and unexplainable appearances of mangled legs... arms... the occasional head. As you can imagine, business was bad.

...until that one fateful Halloween night in 1993, when Andy Dallas used his magics to trap the desecrated dead in the back room! Allowing us all to once again offer you outstanding deals on fake poo and self-inflating whoopie cushions, without the ever-present spectre of death.

But even the power of Andy Dallas has its limits, for as Halloween rolls 'round each year the room unlocks… and cannot be denied. Now the demons are still bound to the room and our employees have attempted to shackle them in place, so it should be safe for those who, whether they believe it or not, wish to experience the legend themselves.

We have but three rules for those who would dare enter the Haunted Room:

One – touch nothing. You do not know what will touch you back.

Two - Stay with your group, for those who wander alone in the Haunted Room are seldom seen again. And

Three – we ask that you only visit the Haunted Room once. We don’t actually have a reason for that rule – we're just mean! HAHAHAHA!

So please, see our the Haunted Room, in the back of the store just past the neon “Magic” sign, and enjoy your visit to Dallas and Company... it may be your last visit, anywhere! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

[/off]

.

The Buttery Touch of Fame The nice lady from the Illini Union Bookstore e-mailed me wanting the picture that didn't get taken at my book-signing, suggesting I come by tonight. When I did, she took me over to the Author's Corner, and introduced me to Roger Ebert. Yes, the one you've heard of. In town for his Overlooked Film Festival, he'd been quietly reading at his old alma mater. IUB Manager: Mr. Ebert, I'd like you to meet one of our rising stars on campus. This is Jim Trapp. Ebert: (tone of precise neutrality) It's nice to meet you. Jim: (shy, super-polite routine, with endearing shrug) Ah... I'm not really famous enough to be meeting Roger Ebert... Ebert: Hey, I was a freshman at UIUC once. (Thinking to myself, I note that this would be an especially awkward moment to point out that I am a junior. And have been a "junior" for the last four years. (Which is the long story of my life, so don't ask.)) Manager: Jim's a Rhetoric Major here and recently saw his first play published. He had his own reading and book-signing just last Tuesday. Jim: Thursday. Ebert: (turning to leave)Ah, well, good luck to [inaudible]... And, lo, the two titans met and the torch of fortune was passed to the younger, much like that brief scene between The Rock and Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Rundown, a parallel I like to believe Ebert would approve of as he did give it... [google: "the rundown", ebert. click: *I'm feeling lucky.*] ...three and a half stars. All I have to do now is get in good with Eggers, Hef and REO Speedwagon. Ooh, and Andy Richter. Then we will have the Ultimate Alumni Bar Crawl, strutting around with the Bunnies Hef would provide, startin' some shit with the fratboys at Kam's, mercilessly taunting Eggers who might've won that damn Pulitzer Prize if he'd only finished school then, whilst attempting to remember the words to the song we're pretty sure this beloved University has, pass out in our famous vomit on the steps of Foellinger Auditorium. And no one would complain because WE ROOL THE SCHOOL! No seriously; except for me, that'd be an awesome group to hang with. Of course, afterwards, I immediately started to think about how funny it would've been if I'd been just a really obnoxious dickjerker. For example: -- "Hey, I love what you do with your thumb. You know the Romans... they used to do that." -- "So what happened to that other guy you used to work with?" -- "I'd give you lip for your good review of that one shitfest film, but I never read your reviews. Also, for which ones did you accept payola?" -- pulling a shiv "No, the balcony's mine, bitch!" -- "Thank you for shaking my hand and humoring me, sir." -- "So if I bested you at thumb-wrestling... wait, that's just too dumb, isn't it..." -- "Hey, Roger Ebert! [pause] So what was it like working with Russ Meyer?" And, the requisite: -- "Wow, you're not nearly as fat as everyone says you are." He's not, either. And right now I'm wondering what kind of person I am, that my first thoughts after meeting someone are ways that I could've been ruder.

.

I Am TechGnosis

The God of Technology is a Trickster, that much is certain. Like all technology, you are brilliant, unpredictable, anti-social and prone to breaking down at the most inopportune moments. Just when those around you have you figured out, you change. You can be a hero when everything is working properly up inside that huge brain but let something go haywire with the code and you become dark and frightening. Like TechGnosis you're a new phenomenon in human history, and whether you are good or evil yet remains to be seen.

Which Trickster Are You?
Take the Trickster Test at www.isleofdreams.net.