Worst. Porn. Ever.
Happy 2008, Internet!
Just remembering I had a blog here... and I started thinking to myself "when was the last time I even tried to offend propriety?" I've decided to start my new year off right. So, propriety, if you're out there - this one's for you.
.........................
There are few crimes against men so vile, so inconceivable, and so, honestly now, completely unnecessary as that of creating and releasing bad pornography. This is the story of one of these crimes, and one of its victims.
First, understand my stance on smut – pornography is key to the continued survival of the human race. The underlying purpose of staring at images (moving or still) of, among other parts, women’s surgically-enlarged tits does not stop at mere titillation, but through this mere titillation, fine films such as “The Interplanetary Gangbang Squad Lands on Uranus” aid men in the certain natural, healthy behaviors that keep our testicles from exploding. And fight prostate cancer. And maintain the world’s geopolitical stability.
For, without ejaculation, the hormonal effects of testosterone must and will be violently released by other means. Most of the great wars of our past were directly linked to madness caused by the pent-up sexual aggression of world leaders:
Hitler? Penis too small for sperm to escape.
Napolean? Masturbation addict (you remember the portraits right? Got it on a string up his shirt.)
W. Bush? Can't accept his own fetish for towels.
Listen, sexual partners come and go.
[small cough]
Yes, sexual partners come and go. But porn accumulates.
This is extremely important.
The offending scene: a man and a woman and a man, a woman, and a woman – high-class partygoers at a poolside – go at it. A blonde, with the forthrightness of the people who do this sort of thing, lifts up the dress of another blonde and politely goes down on her, even as the another blonde gives to the unzipped gentlemen standing above her as good as she receives. A brunette watches them intently for a few moments, realizes what a marvelous idea the blonde has had, and reaches down her date’s pants to see what she might bring up.
All well and good. Then the camera moves in.
Now for those who've spent years watching porn (as in, if you actually added up all the time), and have developed an instinctive critical faculty, even while all their blood rushes gleefully towards their genitalia could stand this sacriliege - to suddenly obscure the grace and beauty of this scene by given us a foreshot that fills the screen with ONE GIANT MAN-BUTTCHECK. Several moments after I can't stand it anymore, the camera mercifully jumps back - into a tree, half a soccer field away, as we peer down through the branches like a voyeuristic squirrel. It was as if the director, another damnable auteur, consciously choose to craft a scene with this thinking:
"Hmm... I dunno, how about alternating between the POV of the piece of lint hanging just off that guy's ass and... Yes, that tree on the other lot! Like it's a statement on how deep down mankind's not so different from the squirrels, who have really good eyes..."
Having taken a few moments to completely counter the purpose of pornography, hope glimmers again upon the tip: the blonde gets up.... Yeah, baby – gonna take it all off, then take it all on....
"Have fun," she says.
Then leaves. Oh, yeah, hot stuff, you’re gonna - wait.
[Pause. Scroll back...]
“Have fun,” she says. Then leaves.
She leaves.
She leaves.
Yes. Yes, they will have fun. You were having fun. You initiated the fun. And... and... you were the hot one. Oh... fuck.
Yeah, you heard me, lady - fuck. Fuck! Come back and fuck!
I could barely get off.
.
Special Bonus Offensiveness:
Erotica for the First-Grade Reading Level
See dick.
See vagina.
See dick inside vagina.
See dick not so far inside vagina.
See dick far into vagina.
Go back and forth, dick.
Next week: Erotic Haiku
Just remembering I had a blog here... and I started thinking to myself "when was the last time I even tried to offend propriety?" I've decided to start my new year off right. So, propriety, if you're out there - this one's for you.
.........................
There are few crimes against men so vile, so inconceivable, and so, honestly now, completely unnecessary as that of creating and releasing bad pornography. This is the story of one of these crimes, and one of its victims.
First, understand my stance on smut – pornography is key to the continued survival of the human race. The underlying purpose of staring at images (moving or still) of, among other parts, women’s surgically-enlarged tits does not stop at mere titillation, but through this mere titillation, fine films such as “The Interplanetary Gangbang Squad Lands on Uranus” aid men in the certain natural, healthy behaviors that keep our testicles from exploding. And fight prostate cancer. And maintain the world’s geopolitical stability.
For, without ejaculation, the hormonal effects of testosterone must and will be violently released by other means. Most of the great wars of our past were directly linked to madness caused by the pent-up sexual aggression of world leaders:
Hitler? Penis too small for sperm to escape.
Napolean? Masturbation addict (you remember the portraits right? Got it on a string up his shirt.)
W. Bush? Can't accept his own fetish for towels.
Listen, sexual partners come and go.
[small cough]
Yes, sexual partners come and go. But porn accumulates.
This is extremely important.
The offending scene: a man and a woman and a man, a woman, and a woman – high-class partygoers at a poolside – go at it. A blonde, with the forthrightness of the people who do this sort of thing, lifts up the dress of another blonde and politely goes down on her, even as the another blonde gives to the unzipped gentlemen standing above her as good as she receives. A brunette watches them intently for a few moments, realizes what a marvelous idea the blonde has had, and reaches down her date’s pants to see what she might bring up.
All well and good. Then the camera moves in.
Now for those who've spent years watching porn (as in, if you actually added up all the time), and have developed an instinctive critical faculty, even while all their blood rushes gleefully towards their genitalia could stand this sacriliege - to suddenly obscure the grace and beauty of this scene by given us a foreshot that fills the screen with ONE GIANT MAN-BUTTCHECK. Several moments after I can't stand it anymore, the camera mercifully jumps back - into a tree, half a soccer field away, as we peer down through the branches like a voyeuristic squirrel. It was as if the director, another damnable auteur, consciously choose to craft a scene with this thinking:
"Hmm... I dunno, how about alternating between the POV of the piece of lint hanging just off that guy's ass and... Yes, that tree on the other lot! Like it's a statement on how deep down mankind's not so different from the squirrels, who have really good eyes..."
Having taken a few moments to completely counter the purpose of pornography, hope glimmers again upon the tip: the blonde gets up.... Yeah, baby – gonna take it all off, then take it all on....
"Have fun," she says.
Then leaves. Oh, yeah, hot stuff, you’re gonna - wait.
[Pause. Scroll back...]
“Have fun,” she says. Then leaves.
She leaves.
She leaves.
Yes. Yes, they will have fun. You were having fun. You initiated the fun. And... and... you were the hot one. Oh... fuck.
Yeah, you heard me, lady - fuck. Fuck! Come back and fuck!
I could barely get off.
.
Special Bonus Offensiveness:
Erotica for the First-Grade Reading Level
See dick.
See vagina.
See dick inside vagina.
See dick not so far inside vagina.
See dick far into vagina.
Go back and forth, dick.
Next week: Erotic Haiku
posted by Jim Trapp at
2:07 AM
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