You found the sorta secret mailbag! That really shouldn't've been too hard. Here are some popular emails to my friends:
[PDPer and usually teetolar Ryan Hurth solicits drink advice from the Board on the occasion of his 21st. Dastardly, thinly veiled plots abound to make it, for us, a night to remember and, for Ryan Hurth, a night he can't.]
To: PDP Board
From: Jim Trapp
Subject: Re: What? Me Drinking?
Ryan, if you are looking to experience alcohol as merely another ingredient in a tasty, let alone tasteful beverage, we all know I cannot help you. However, if you are looking to experience alcohol as many of us hope you will - as an embarassing leave-taking of your usual personality and all forms of intelligence - and to truly experience alcohol without the mediation of such distractions as vegetables on toothpicks or "flavor", then you should know I have, in honor of your occasion and our desire to subvert it, called upon the dark magics which is the power of my mind and summoned from Hell a helpful, demon bartender.
Gkuelariunxh the Stomach-Raper has a few choice selections for you:
God's Immaculate Steel-toed Boot to Your Head
2 parts vodka
3 parts Miller High Life
1 part melted butter
5 parts paint thinner
*add cloves
The "Bwahaha! Think Jesus Still Loves You Now, Monkey-Garbage?"
2 parts vodka
1 part your own vomit
1 part the skankiest person in the bar's vomit
1 part any other of the skank's bodily fluids (your choice, no saliva)
Listerine
1 part Listerine
Rusted Anal Beads Strung on Barb-Wire
2 parts vodka
3 parts tabisco sauce
1 part Diet Coke
1 part roaches
*take as enema
The Painful, Entertaining Humiliation of a Friend
2 parts vodka
1 part lighter fluid
1 part fire
Each one of these is designed to give you, within the space of its ingestion, years worth of experience with alcohol. To leave you for dead in a ditch you'll spend all night digging. To be what we want - the drink that will rip the "h" off the end of your name and make you Ryan Hurt.
-Jim
*
To: Shiny Things Cast
Subject: The Home Stretch
Okay...
We're doing a show on Friday.
Yeah.
This Friday.
Saturday, too.
Isn't that wild?
Anyway, lots to go over, so let's start with the rehearsal schedule:
Mon@6 - Everyone
Tues@6 - Everyone
Wed@6 - Everyone
Thurs@6 - Everyone
Fri@6 - Everyone
Sat@6 - Everyone
Got that? Great. We get into Greg Thursday, by the way.
Yes, I know - some of you have those exam things on certain nights at certain times; you're excused for the length it would take you to get a C. Well... Okay, maybe a B-. But that's it; we've got shit to do.
Moving along...
There's more set work to be done - meet in front of the Union (circle drive side) Sunday at noon to receive some bonus Shiny Points. (Note: Shiny Points are merely a measurement of the director's relative happiness with you and cannot be redeemed for prizes.)
The photographer from the Buzz is coming by Monday night - please attempt to look photogenic. Or maybe show a little hip or something.
Send me your damn bios.
And finally, due to the overall blasphemous content of the production, I've been forced by a combined Mafia-Catholic Church task force to conclude this e-mail with a public service message. According to their spokesman, Fr. Knuckles, doing so will allow me (pending no further mockery, of course) entrance into one of the new sub-units they've recently added to Hades - Level 6G, where instead of a burning tomb, I'll be able to simply spend all of eternity in a Turkish bath. Which actually sounds rather refreshing.
So I now turn over the rest of the e-mail to God.
[Pause. Informative textual space disappears.]
[Start play format.]
GOD'S PERSONAL MESSAGE TO YOU
[Lights up. There is no stage. Just clouds. A lot of clouds.]
Announcer: Now, it's time for a word from everybody's favorite Son of God... Jesus!
[The center of our celestial view erupts in immaculate light. After a moment, it fades and in its place floats the J-man, with traditional beard and hippie haircut, though he seems to have traded in his robes for some baggy shorts and a Weezer T-shirt. And, uh... there's a parrot on his shoulder. It's blue.]
Jesus: Hey, kids! It's your old pal, Jesus! And I'm here today to talk about...
[From behind his back Jesus pulls out a big-ass slab of posterboard. On it, a sinister-looking can of spray paint stands, foreboding and ominous. It's also blue.]
Jesus: ...huffing! That's right, kids. Apparently, there's some of you out there who think it's funny to joke about paint fumes. Well, I'm here to tell you that paint fumes are no laughing matter. The amount of fumes you can breath before you notice you're high can kill nearly... 1 million brain cells! Or something like that! And, obviously, anyone who thinks that's funny can't afford to lose them! So remember, the next time someone you love laughs off the threat of fumes, do them a favor... and bitch-slap them for Jesus!
[He winks and gives a big thumbs up, looking a lot like the Buddy Christ from Dogma. Lights down.]
*
To: everyone I've ever met and gotten an email address out of
Subject: Jim Trapp's Birthfest '04!
To all friend-like people and potential friend-like people out there,
I know many of you are planning to spend the 333rd day of the year (November 29 for those who've lost count) in quiet contemplation of martyrdom of Saint Saturninus at the hoof of heretic bulls or supporting the Palestinian International Day of Solidarity by tossing rocks at Jews. But, I must tell you, there are far better "things" worth remembering on this day. No, I don't mean the historic orbit of the Earth by NASA's first astronaut, Enos the chimp, nor even the death of the great Zeppo Marx. I mean me, man who needs to get to the point, as usual.
[/unnecessary switch to third person]
Yes, Jim made his triumphant escape from his mother's vagina!
And for the first time in too long a time, he feels like celebrating, hotfuckit, and when Jim Trapp decides to celebrate he fuckfucking celebrates, especially when he's celebrating Jim Trapp. But what he wants most is for you all to join in the fun! with...
The event whose title is the subject of this post!
Yes, an entire WEEK-LONG jubilee of asinine ego-centrality and eccentricity! Check out these revelations of revelry:
-Fire Hazard Day (Monday@10pm) - Jim will throw a costume-party/free-style-dance-competition, on a Monday, in his one-room efficiency apartment. He's got nearly a 150 square ft. people, and he wants it filled with garish colors and shaking booty! Flammable as well as inflammable alcohol provided. Bring even more.
--Misunderstood Genius Day (Tuesday@8pm) - you and Jim will read your picks from his oeuvre. Ever wanted to be the penguin from "You Are Here" or Benjamin Vickers himself? Or just want to chill back and hear *someone* do it? Now's your chance! See http://www.trappfarms.com for selections, then RSVP Jim with play and part requests.
---James Laird Appreciation Day (Wednesday@7pm) - in honor of James "Beardo, the lamest nickname ever" Laird's years of service, Jim will participate in his Halo 2 tournament, and not shave. Bring your embarassing nerd friends! Have an XBOX and/or TV to add to the fun or know where to steal them? Take it!
----Rage Day (Thursday@8pm) - enjoy a viewing of Fight Club, after which Jim will physically take on anyone who wants a piece. Then, time for vandalism! Bring your own spraypaint. Also, horrific, Howard Deanish screams throughout day, the random firing of ball-bullet guns into more random crowds, and thwacking of cudgels. Cudgels provided.
-----Wandering About Day (Friday@2pm) - ever been stopped cold by the sight of sunlight dancing with whimsy upon the fragile, yet intoxicating leaves in that which is a Champaign Mini-Park? Sure, we all have! You and Jim will set out in the afternoon to visit each of the city's twenty-plus underappreciated beautifiers and photograph yourself amongst their humble grandeur! Comfortable shoes a must. Hot chocolate provided. (In the event of inclement weather, this will be replaced by Porn Day - 24 hours of hardcore! Bring your own black trenchcoats. Hot chocolate still provided.)
------Must Forget How Lonely, Lonely, Lonely We Are Day (Saturday@10pm) - drinking. Lots of drinking. But... drinking of a quality and quantity never before experienced even by the likes of you in PDP! Double your efficient fun with a stereo-party experience as Jim and James combine their boss cribs and the street between for the grand, fog-inducing climax of Jim Trapp's Birthfest 'O4! With poker and a wine-tasting on James' side and Twister and a rum-tasting on Jim's. RSVP if you want the sweetest of the sweet booze.
-------Hangover Day (Sunday@11am) - you and Jim will go to brunch and awkwardly apologize to each another for what happened on Must Forget How Lonely, Lonely, Lonely We Are Day.
Come one and all to one or all!
Interested? Really? Okay! E-mail Jim for further instructions. Most people will be welcome!