(A lounge. People are scattered about while soft music plays. (Burt Bacharach’s What The World Needs Now Is Love might be most appropriate.) Benjamin Vickers, Greg, and Steve (AKA the Creature) enter all garbed in their traditional mad scientist attire, or rags. Steve, always ignored by the scientists, easily slips into the background and slowly begins smoozing with the clientele – little grunt-chat, buys some drinks, appears to be grunting jokes, maybe juggles his own fingers if the actor can swing that, quickly starts getting’ a little physical…)

GREG …dragged all of Lake Hoophopanop, but Pedro Pedro’s body was never found.

VICKERS Yes, it may forever remain a mystery. Hmm. So do you see any love?

GREG What about over there in the corner?

VICKERS No, that’s a coat rack.

GREG That?

VICKERS That’s an aquarium.

GREG This might be harder than we thought.

(Vickers stops a waitress.)

VICKERS Excuse me, do you know anything about love?

WAITRESS Buddy, you’re gonna need a better line than that.

(Exits.)

VICKERS Drat. See how little respect the public has for science anymore?

GREG What about over there?

VICKERS That’s still the coat rack. Come on and think Greg - where can I find "love?"

GREG Why… it’s in your heart, Ben.

VICKERS Drat! Well, it’s not going to do me any good there. No, field observations are no good, Greg, if we’re really to dissect and understand our subject, we’ll have to find some test subjects, create some "love" in the lab. Hmm… All right, we’ll go back, I’ll get the lab monkeys, you light a candle and set some soft music…

GREG But the monkeys all escaped, remember? They blew out that hole in the wall.

VICKERS Aargh! How could I forget? What about the lab rats?

GREG It’ll take a week just to de-thaw them.

VICKERS Dammit. (Sighs.) But how are we supposed to observe under conditions like these? (Stands up on a chair.) Won’t anyone show me love!

(Every person in the bar stops, looks at him, then immediately goes back to whatever they were doing. Ben sags.)

DRUNK Hey… I love you, man…

VICKERS I’m talking about good love!

DRUNK Oh… (Knocks back another.) Well, screw you! I never really loved you anyway! (Passes out.)

(Vickers turns to a woman at the bar.)

VICKERS You! You’re alone! Would you like to be in love with me?

GIRL …You’re at least supposed to buy me a drink first.

VICKERS Excellent! (Tosses some money on the counter) Bartender! Your finest depressant!

(Bartender immediately brings a drink.)

VICKERS So…

(She tosses it in his face, leaves.)

GREG Ben… was that sex?

VICKERS Shut up, Greg. Look at us; we’re not getting anywhere. And… they’re laughing at me. You know how mad scientists hate to be laughed at.

GREG But… what about perseverance, Ben? Then proving their laughter to be the shallow response of minds with fingers too coarse and stubby to pick up the thin pennies of your brilliance?

VICKERS Perhaps so… but either way, I still need to sit down a moment and rest; plus… I think that refreshing beverage is starting to eat away at my cornea.

(Blinks intensely.)

GREG Ew…(Pulls a bottle of eye-drops out of his coat.) Eye-drops?

VICKERS These may not be enough; get me a glass of Mountain Dew and some cashews and I can synthesize some more.

GREG Diet or regular?

VICKERS Diet.

GREG Righto.

(Greg steps off, while Vickers uses the eye-drops. He sits for a moment, blinking. His eyes follow them, then light up.)

VICKERS Greg! Greg, I’ve got it!

GREG Blindness?

VICKERS No, not yet. What we’ve been doing wrong, Greg! I’m brilliant! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

[People stop.]

VICKERS Sorry! Sorry, force of habit.

[Steve is making out with several women.]

VICKERS Hey… what are you doing?

GREG Finding love where you have failed?

VICKERS Damn know-it-all! I gave you that brain! (Sighs.) Anyway, where was I?

GREG You’ve figured out how to solve all your problems.

VICKERS Ah, yes… it’s simple really, all we have to do is… is… no! I can’t remember.

GREG Again?

VICKERS I haven’t been able to remember before?

GREG ‘Fraid so.

VICKERS How long have I been not remembering?

GREG I can’t remember. Did you test your amnesia drugs on me?

VICKERS I can’t remember. Did I create amnesia drugs?

GREG I can’t remember.

VICKERS Oh… this is all pointless, Greg. I’m always undone by my own doings, defeated by self at every turn… and there are no more turns left to take.

GREG Don’t worry, Ben. There’s always left field. Remember how we met?

VICKERS Ah, yes... I hit you with that bat...

GREG That you got from left field!

VICKERS Those crazy college years.... I was angrier mad scientist then, the years not twisting up the crazy mad...

GREG Ooh, I feel a flashback...

VICKERS I told you then not to do so much acid...

Voiceover: And now it’s time for another…

Voiceover: Savage beating of the week!

Announcer: This week’s recipient… prop comic and commercial spokesman, Kiwi-face.

Kiwi-face: Hey, what the heck are you doing!? (Slaps the phone out of her hand) Don’t you know dialing zero gives you cancer?

Kiwi: Oh-oh! Looks like I’m all wet! Better dial 10-10-10-10-10-10-10-10!

Kiwi: Hey look! It’s my dialing finger! Hey, wanna pull it? Whoa, better not! I’ve been eating lots of… beans! Woo-hoo! Beans, beans, beans! (Starts dancing like a jack-ass.) Beans, beans, beans, beans!

Kiwi: (Finally notices the others.) Hey, what the!? Oh, no!

Savage Beater #1 (Vickers): Wait!

1: Seriously… Kiwi-face? Is this the best we can do?

2: Well, we’ve already beaten all the other prop comics.

4: Carrot-Top is almost healed up; we could go back and do him again.

1: No… why are we even savagely beating a prop comic? Where’s the challenge?

3: Whoa, whoa – challenge? What challenge? We hit people with bats; the only challenge is when they try to dodge.

1: Yes, but which people should be hit with bats? For how long… and with what intensity?

2: Listen, there’s nothing wrong with the beating. The beating still does what it’s supposed to do.

1: What is the beating supposed to do?

3: Hurt! The beating is supposed to hurt!

DRUNK: Hey! I hurt!

2: It’s a little different than that.

DRUNK: (knocks back another) Well, screw you! I feel great! I don’t need your love! (passes out)

(pause)

4: But yes, Kiwi-face is clearly more than just an annoying comedian. He represents an entire genre of expression, superfused with the corporate-advertising mindset that values the consumption of mediocrity by any means; by attacking Kiwi-face and his ilk, with the power afforded by our blunt methodology, a savage beating gives voice to the futile strugglings of a generation that’s had its soul bought and sold.

2: Hear, hear. That’s what the savage beating has always been about.

3: No, it used to be about beating the living shit out of people! But you seem to have forgotten that!

1: But does it have to be about either beating the living shit out of people or the corporate-advertising mindset?

3&4: Yes!

2: No, gentlemen. I think he’s onto something. What the savage beating becomes is a function of what does each of us wants.

3: I want to hit him. In the face. With my bat. Look at him and tell me that’s not face that doesn’t want to be hit with a bat.

4: I’ll give you that. But you want to hit his face with a bat because of cultural conditions.

3: Yeah? You know another face cultural conditions make me want hit with a bat?

2: Gentlemen, please! I think we’re above resorting to physical violence!

1: Listen, I don’t care who we’ve beaten and why, I want to move onto the next thing.

3: This guy’s the next thing!

1: But he was the last thing!

4: He’s of a class of –

3: He’s dead meat!

2: No, there are certain protocols, we really ought to go back, hide again, then –

Kiwi: JUST BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME ALREADY!

3: We’ll beat the shit out of you when we damn well feel like beating the shit out of you!

2: No, Kiwi-face is right, we ought to be beating the shit out of him! If we want to do this once a week, we’ve got to finish him off, then catch the bus to meet that water-bed salesman in Houston.

1: No more salesmen!

4: More salesmen!

3: More beating! We ought to be beating someone every day!

2: Now I’m getting a bit old for that, perhaps a Savage Beating of the Weekday, with every other Friday off.

3: What!?

4: No, absolutely not, I’m still working on my thesis!

1: Hey, who isn't! But the point isn’t the quantity of the beatings, it’s the quality -

3: And more bats! We could expand the entire operation, franchise!

1: And why bats even? We could use a mace, or throwing stars!

2: No, there are certain traditions –

3: Fuck it all! Smash!

4: No!

2: No!

3: I shall thwack him with my cudgel!

1: Or drop pennies on people from -

2: Enough! Listen, fellows, we've had a lot of good times... and a lot of good beatings... but maybe it's time we madly thrash in different directions...

1: I'm ready to stretch my wings and take to the skies.

4: And I really don't have time with all the cultural research and writing...

3: Actually, I've already started some solo work... The Bayview Strangler...

4: I thought that sounded like you!

3: I was a little embarassed at first...

4: Don't be - it's fine work!

1: Yes... it's definitely time to part...

Kiwi: I have to admit, this whole discussion has led me to re-evaluate my creative output and wish to strive for higher achievements as well.

1: Have you considered a career in the exciting field of Science!

Kiwi: Wait... I have just now!

1: See? Kiwi-face understands! You’re an alright guy, Kiwi-face.

Kiwi: Thanks, violent psychotic!

2: But hey... maybe one last aggravated assault - for the road?

1: I've got an idea - instead of a Savage Beating of the Week, let’s do a…

2: But we only know how to do Savage Beatings of the Week!

1: Yes, and that's what we'll do! Yes! Follow me, everyone! And bring your rage! You can help too, Kiwi-face!

Kiwi: Sweet! I’m gonna kill people!

Voiceover: And now it’s time for another…

Voiceover: Savage beating of the weak!

Announcer: This week’s recipient… orphan Timmithy McMoppet.

Timmithy: Ah… excuse me there… I was wondering if anyone might have a little porridge…

Timmithy: It’s just… I’m so terribly cold… and not so strong, you see…

Timmithy: (Finally notices the others.) Oh. Oh, no-

Timmithy: Ow! Oh, Jesus, my lord – please help me-

4: We’re still destroying!

2: But we’re destroying more creatively!

1: Yes! ANYTHING is possible. Before we were just mad, now we’re…

Kiwi: Mad?

1: Yes!

3: (hideous scream of blood-lust)

2,4: Yes!

1: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

1: Kiwi-face, come with me, I’ve got more ideas!

2: And take… that.

3: It’s Miller Time!

VICKERS But what have we really changed since that time, Greg?

GREG ...My underwear. No, wait, we didn't do that together.

VICKERS All this love business has taken us away from our real business... Science! Perhaps the problem is love itself... for I will not give up on Science. I cannot give up! So we must get down! I have decided!

DRUNK: Thas right! I’ve decided too. I definitely love you! I love all you all you love! (hugs Ben, moves to hug Greg, passes out mid-way between)

Ben: See? See what love does to us all? We'll all end up nobody drunks! Those wise men on mountains who know everything - they're not getting any, are they? What the world needs now is Science, sweet Science! We must plan a better plan, Greg. No more slapdashery – we’ve got to know what we’re doing before we do anything. Figure out everything, from the simplest atom to the most complex arrangement of molecules there is - then build a jetpack and fly up that mountain!

GREG What is the most complex arrangement of molecules?

VICKERS Obviously, myself. I mean even I can barely understand what I just said.

GREG Then you must be wise!

VICKERS Well, Greg, let's just say it takes a tall man to have his head in the clouds and still keep his feet on the ground.

GREG Or he could have stilts!

VICKERS Come Greg. Steve! It’s time to prepare for tomorrow night.

GREG Why Ben, what are we going to do tomorrow night?

VICKERS The same thing we’ll do every night – engage in thoughtful contemplation of ourselves and our place in the universe!

GREG That was really lame, Ben.

VICKERS Uh-oh...

Voiceover: And now it’s time for another…

Voiceover: Savage beating of the week!

VICKERS Run!